Bloody Spam

*This poem was inspired by a spam message promising me a "penis enlargement patch to make your dick big enough to play football on".*

I am sick and tired of all this Spam
Flooding my email and life span
With filthy messages Goddam!
Wish I could build a gigantic dam
To keep my mailbox looking like a lamb

What use a female as I would have for a patch
For penis enlargement or a Viagara snatch
These would be more of a help for men to hatch
Their sneaky plots to get lucky in a dating match

Most come from bloody Nigerian crooks
Offering millions and setting up the hooks
To catch out greedy morons, the verb's rooks
Been done before, 's out there in all the books
Alas they care for nothing else but their looks

Webcam Eyes

*This poem was inspired by my lovely friend Piotr. We were in the same college at Cambridge and were even housemates for 3 years at Bateman Street! This poem was inspired by an MSN conversation we had about his students and research project (something to do with webcam eyes!£%$#?). The conversation itself was only about 3 lines, as he was incredibly un-cooperative with my efforts to extract information from him.*

Piotr said he cannot remember faces
Even those of his most brilliant aces
No wonder he looks like he’s living in mazes
Not knowing silk from wool from laces

I wanted to write a poem about his supervisions
And I needed provisions
But he was about as helpful as a bunch of pigeons
And I felt like I was in a prison
So I used muffins to avoid further collisions

Then he said he is interested in what he does
Does that mean he is mad if he does?
I think it does
So I told him it’ll be sung in bars
And everyone in Britain will know him as
Piotra the Webcam Eyes