My Ideal Man

My ideal man
Does not have to have a tan
Neither does he need to own a van
But I must be able to say he can
Get me water during a hosepipe ban
He must show me he's my fan
Even if I eat garlic Nan
He should know the plan
To make of me his ideal woman
That way I won't have to do a damn
Thing and be free to enjoy me gardan
Or a lovely converted barn
But he must defo be Algerian
Hear me now you daft man!

Missed opportunities

I think of you and I fear
I might not have made it clear
At the time we were in fifth gear
That I was a fool and I had to sneer
When I said goodbye and it sounded like a cheer
I wish it had been different my dear

A Bruel

*Just heard a song from the new album by Patrick Bruel. It inspired the following downpour of passion.*

I have always loved you with a passion
Patriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick
You never knew it but it's all about your nose
Patriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick
Fact that you were born in Algeria is indication
Patriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick
That you were obviously the singer I chose

Patriiiiiiiiiiiiiiick
For your daft songs and your voice perturbation
Patriiiiiiiiiiiiiiick
I herein add a couple of hearts to your pose
Patriiiiiiiiiiiiiiick
For fear of copyright breach prosecution
Patriiiiiiiiiiiiiiick
(Patriiiiiiiiiiiiiiick) <sup>+

+</sup> This last Patriiiiiiiiiiiiiiick is optional and removing it does not affect the overall balance of the poem. However, repeating it for eternity will bring you closer to conveying the intensity of the poem, as experienced by the author.