Oye Grand-Dad!

*This poem was composed for Berni, on his 31^st birthday, for those of you who don't get poetry innit, do you know what I mean?*

Today Berni is 31
That’s 30 years of perfection, plus one
Look at him there, accomplished sportsman
Cycling, knocking the miles one after one
But now it’s safety first grand-dad man!
At your age, up-hill is no longer an option (read opshan)

But you are still virility at its prime
And number 31 is prime
In our hearts will always be your shrine
We’ll adore you always, be it in rain or sunshine
Without you all women will sure decline
Only you can bring ‘em happiness so sublime
To your charms they’ll always incline

But at 31 it is time you dismounted
Before you get ousted
Due to old age and long lasted
Roaming about in bushes; belt unfastened
If she knew, your Mum will be dumbfounded
And your lovely nieces will be astounded
But to us you’re simply adoration unbounded

If I had your head

*This poem was composed, on the spot, by me and my dear ex-colleague Andy, in our then office (Room 221). The poem is so delightful, I instantly saved it in Word. This followed a discussion we had about I can't remember what. The only thing I can remember is that he was well impressed with my head and felt so inspired that he started a verse saying:*

If I had your head
I’d be lying on a beach in the Med
Surrounded by bonny women⁺
Drinking Baccardi^# and being nuts fed
But instead
Am in Knutsford (read Nutsfed)
Lying on this shitty bed
Drinking water and eating bread
I’ve lost my head
I’m off to bed

⁺ The beauty of this verse is that it is as versatile as the potential reader's sexuality (am not implying anything here). Depending on whether you are man/woman, you can use either "bonny women" or " groovy fit men"

^# I tend to favour "iced tea" here, but Andy likes Baccardi and other alcoholic beverages.

Knutsford is where Andy is living currently.